Thursday, 12 July 2012

Junk Email.....

When I get up in the morning, it’s not until I’ve had a wash and get my glasses on that I remember I’m no longer the 20 year old I still think I am.

That’s OK, I can live with that. That, my receding hairline, and the enlarging belly.

However it’s not until I sit at my computer to survey my morning’s emails that I realise other people think I’m old too.

Now not for one minute am I going to assume that I understand how all these companies manage to profile me by what I look at on the internet, but one thing’s for sure. ‘They’, whoever they are, seem to know what age group I’m in and I appear to be getting targeted emails. This I’m sure about

Why? Mainly because of the amounts of email I get and what their subjects are. Let me give you an example of what appeared in my mailbox today.

Subject: James, You may be eligible to receive a power chair or scooter at little to no cost. It then goes on to tell me how I can get one of those scooters, that at the minute, either hit me up the side of the legs, or clatters me on the pavement as a geriatric Jenson Button heads for the nearest Starbucks!

Subject: Half price laser eye surgery - request your FREE Info Pack & DVD now! Obviously they know I wear glasses, and to help me into my dotage, they’re going to help me see better to clatter people in my motorised scooter.

Subject: It takes seconds to calculate your claims with our injury calculator. Now I’m not sure whether this is so that when I turn my motorised scooter over and get crushed by it, or because I get beaten up by someone who I run into, I don’t know.

Subject: We can help you use your stairs again. It then goes on to say that (company name) Stairlifts can help you and your family, (They think I’d share it?) once again, have full use of the home you love.  They’ve obviously been in contact with the motorised scooter company and decided that if I can’t walk about very well, that I’m going to struggle with my stairs as well.

Subject: We're here to help make bathing a pleasure again. Now this company, having found out that I need a motorised scooter to run people over when I’m in town, and can no longer get up my stairs without a stairlift, seem to have realised that I now can’t navigate my way into a both or shower anymore. So now I need walk in bathing solutions!

Subject: High Quality Electric adjustable beds for the elderly and disabled at low factory direct prices. Well obviously, after I’ve had to go out shopping with my motorised scooter, made it up the stairs with my stairlift, and bathed in my walk in bath, I’m obviously going to need help getting into bed.

Now if all of the above aren’t bad enough, the next two are getting personal.

Subject: stop and reverse male baldness in its tracks with oral treatment that's effective in 95% of patients. Thanks for that! I think they may be a bit late for me as I’ve been steadily losing my hair for the last 20 years. However, this may have been the first email that affects me directly.

And now the one I’ve been waiting for.

Subject: Don't let erection problems keep you from a more satisfying sexual experience. Wahey!!!!! Viagra. That’s the baby. Now they’ve really sussed me out. If I can’t get around without my motorised scooter, need a stairlift to help me get upstairs to my walk in bath, and have eventually managed to get into bed, then I’m definitely going to need some Viagra. I take it I’ll be needing that so that I don’t fall out of my new electric bed as I certainly won’t be fit enough to have some fun with a lady.

The reason I know this is because, I haven’t had even a sniff of an email regarding mail order brides. I know there must be someone out there peddling them via email.

Now all of this would be funny if it wasn’t true. So is it that once you reach 50, all these companies decide that you’re just about to fall to pieces?

How do these companies find out my email address for starters? And when they do, how do they know I’m not one of the 18-30 holiday set? Why aren’t I getting the emails about dating girls in my area?

Now somehow or other, these companies seem to be profiling me. It must be happening, because why would I be getting email in such a narrowly targeted area?

Well let me tell you, you junk mail senders…..I don’t need any of your wares yet…. I’m still very sprightly…..for my age!

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